This post is to remind own self not to repeat the same mistakes again.
Today mark the 5th year wedding anniversary for me and hb. We have been dating for 4 years before we get married. Altogether is a 9 years relationship. During these 9 years, we have been gone through many many things - many tears, many talks, many fights, and of course many happy moments too. We had 2 major fights and almost split. First fight led to a 3-months cool down period. Where in these 3 months, we did not talk and we did not go out with each other. Second fight made me depressed for 9 months. It is the worst time in my life and it is a very expensive lesson learn. I definitely would not like to go through it again. It also has changed me to a different person:
1. Set no expectation
In the past, during weekend I would like hb to help out in the housework. However hb always not motivated to do housework, even though he just needs to clean the floor. One task only. While I had to handle other things, like washing, cooking and taking care the kids (they are very attached to me). So I would feel frustrated over hb's attitude. I would blame him for not helping.
But now not anymore. Because I have changed my thinking - this is my house too. Why would I care if hb helps to clean the house or not? If I want it clean, I can just do it myself. I don't have to depend or rely on other person. So I stopped blaming him. I stopped feeling not happy just because of he's not helping. If I'm not too tired, I will just do it myself. He probably is tired too and would like to rest. It's just us living here. So no rush to stress ourselves to keep the house freaking clean. And what do I get in return? Hb will automatically do the cleaning part without being asked for. This means he's more willing to do it without the "stress" from me. :)
2. Move from family focus to self focus and now try to balance it with the kids
I used to do lots of things for other people in the family - hb or the kids. I enjoyed doing things for them, and even willing to sacrifice my limited personal time just for them. I feel terrible when I feel all effort spent was not appreciated. But in fact, I never think of is this what they want. If it is not what they want, of course they won't appreciate it. So I'm making myself getting hurt. Feel stupid right? I learn my lesson and started to keep some personal time for myself everyday. That's how the sleeping late habit started. I realized that without fixing myself, I cannot keep others happy. Without fixing myself, I won't be able to have more energy for others. Without fixing myself, I cannot feel happy. So the me time is important. It also helps me to de-stress after a full day work in the office.
3. Have common interest and stay connect
Hb and I used to go exercise - jogging, gym or swimming when we were dating and also after married before we have any kids. We stopped the weekly exercise routine after L was born. L was very much attached to me and I felt bad had to trouble the parents to take care the baby. With no activities being done together, slowly we didn't feel stay connect with each other. Many times, I did not know what is in his mind. Of course we were still talking. However it is just not the same feeling anymore.
Now we will do some activities where both of us enjoy. Whether we are staying at home, or going out, with the kids or without the kids. We have common group of friends or people that we know. We have common topics to talk about.
4. Support each other
In the past, I gave my support to him using my way. Thinking it was what he need. But now, I learn to support him in the way that how he want it. We give each other full freedom on things that we want to do. He is fine with me going out with friends leaving the kids with him at home.
Right now, I would say we are in a very stable relationship and there should be nothing that can break us apart. Hb is not a very romantic person. So I won't hope for any flowers or candle light dinner. In fact in the past 4 years, there was no celebration on this day at all. But this is not important. Most important is, we still love each other and we want to keep this relationship moving on.
Happy Anniversary to me, and have a nice day to all of you. :)
