My 2011 CNY

Time flies. CNY for year 2011 finally is over. Ever since I get married, I stop enjoying CNY for many reasons. Not because of the extra expenses although it double my monthly expenses. But more on me don't enjoy it as much as I used to.

When I was young, during CNY everyone sure goes back to visit my paternal grandparents, who were residing with my youngest uncle during that time. I get to meet up with all my cousins. Despite we all have met up in the youngest uncle house, later my parents would still take us to go visit each uncle family one by one. And also it was only during CNY I get to eat those cookies, prawn crackers and not to forget soft drinks like coke. Other time, we don't get to eat and drink this kind of food. I miss those house to house visiting actually, miss meeting up with family members that we don't get to see very often.

However not everyone like to do visiting. There are some people, during CNY is staying at home waiting for people to come visit only. But then how many people will come visit you on first 2 days of CNY, except relatives? And how about if most of your relatives are at different town?

The only thing I'm glad is, both me and hubby are local and we don't have to travel far during CNY. No need to worry about stuck at the traffic jam in the highway, planning what time should leave, packing and unpacking, and not to forget lots of laundry after coming home.

This year CNY I'm determine to make myself enjoy the celebration. Every year CNY Day 1, after having lunch with the MIL and BIL family, I and hb will take the kids to my relatives' house. Ever since my paternal grandparents passed away few years back, all my uncles will gather at my aunt's house after lunch. And then, they will proceed to visit my grand uncle and lastly stop at my elder uncle's house. For the past 3 years, we were running late and we missed the stop at my aunt's house. This year we manage to get there before everyone leave to visit my grand uncle. I only get to meet all my uncles and aunty once a year during CNY. I really don't want to miss the opportunity to meet up with them. Some of my uncles leave quite far away so it always the best I get to meet all of them in one place. And what more, the kids get to meet up with their grand uncles and grand aunty. It is also a chance for me to meet up with my cousins and catch up with them.

This year, surprisingly MIL did not do any cooking at all. For the 3 days (CNY Eve Reunion dinner, CNY Day 1 lunch and dinner and CNY Day 2 lunch) we either dined out or packed from outside.

This year, I have many new records as compared to previous years CNY. I have done most visiting this year. 9 out of the 15days were spent visiting. Until the kids asks us almost everyday "mommy, today got kai kai?" We went to places that we have never been and solely rely on the Google maps since we don't have GPS. We get to meet up with most friends, even some that I don't get to meet for few years back. We even travel 1 hour just to go meet up and lou sang with some friends. Until the kids keep on asking us "mommy are we there yet? Why so long one?" LOL! I also gave most angpow away this year, until I don't have enough small notes and have to change with my mom. While in the past, I always have half the small notes left.

Lou sang is a MUST for me for CNY. I love yee sang and it is only available during CNY.

Overall, despite some "rushing hours" as we went to do the visiting after dinner during working days, it was quite a relaxing CNY to me.

Blood is more thick?

Ever since I found out the girl eats the food behind us, I have been very cold to her. I made her pack her own bag to school. I said No to all the requests that she asked. I did not hug her. I did not talk to her. I scolded her for small little thing. Sigh, I just can't help it. Besides getting mad at her, I also feel heart broken at the same time as she did not feel sorry about what she has done. As if she has done nothing wrong. She still plays with the boy as usual. She still asks for this and that.

Last night, I read a book, about this man who is 40 years of age, consider successful in his life. He loves rodeo and has been winning a lots and thus become famous. However that is not what his parents want. His parents work in the military and his father always wanted him to be in the military as well. But military is just not in his blood. Thus he did not have a very good relationship with his parent. At 40 years old, suddenly he found out that he is not his parents' biological child. His mother took him from the hospital when she found out her newborn son has died. He is shock at the truth and he does not know how to cope and does not know how to face his biological parents. The biological parents have 4 children, 3 sons and 1 daughter. The other 2 sons have died so only left this son. They are hoping to see him. One side is someone who actually has no relationship with him but has raised him up and with him for the past 40 years. Another side is his actual parents but know nothing about him for the past 40 years.

I turned to look at the gal who was sleeping soundly next to my bed. For a moment, I feel like want to hug her and kiss her. She looks so beautiful when sleeping. Sometimes she's like an angel to me; help me taking care of the boy so well. But when she becomes an evil, she made me so mad that I just feel like want to strangulate her and throw her out. Sigh I wish I can be more patient with her. This morning when I woke up, when I saw her face I back to the bad mommy mood again. Sometimes I feel defeated, don't know how to deal with her. We have tried different ways, but seems like all are not working. Sigh. It is so difficult to be a good parent.

School holidays and Kids

Every year in the month of December, the child care center where the kids are attending will be closed for one week plus. Besides CNY, this last school term break is the longest break of the year. As both of us need to work, normally I will request parent's help on taking care the kids when the child care is closed. For the past 2 years, I have been sending the kids to the parents.

Due to the bad experience last year, this year I decided for those days that my mom is not available, I'm going to take leave to take care them myself. Initially we were thinking of going for a family trip. However we could not decide where we want to go, and another reason is I do not want any other family members to join our family trip. I just want solely four of us. So at the end nothing has been planned, and there is no trip for us.
Despite the fact that I'm not getting paid for taking leave (all my leave are unpaid as I am on consultant basis). But I think I rather get paid less than going through the mental stress for sending the kids to the parents house. My mom is fine. She will take good care of my kids without me need to worry anything. She will base on the situation and make her own judgement without bothering me during working hours. And she always willing to help (she understand about my work) and do some adjustment or rearrange her schedule if needed. So I would not hesitate to send the kids to her.

Lately me and my mom have some opportunities to spend the time together, just us and my gal. I think it was very long time ago since we got some time to have some good chat sessions, just both of us. I did not do it on purpose but I also did not hide when we talked about the other family members and I started whining to her what I'm not happy about. My mom has no issue taking care my kids for me while I'm at work. Both of the kids are not difficult to handle and they are used to the grandparents as well. But it never occur to me that my brother will question about how come the other family member is not helping on taking care the kids. While I don't need him to know why, I explained to my mom that it is just me that wish not want to trouble the other family member. I rather get less paid, than going through the mental stress dealing with other family member especially about the kids. I would not want to beg, I would not like to feel like I'm troubling them. Yes I know I am. I know they may want to do spring cleaning and stuff since it is year end. But please also understand that I'm not going for holiday, I need to work and the child care is closed. Nothing much that I can do about it unless I'm taking leave, which means besides making boss not happy, the income for the month also becoming much lesser. And I also feel annoyed or frustrated on getting phone call during working hours, on what time should give them milk, what time is their nap time, what time is their lunch etc. I understand that the main intention is to maintain the routine for the kids, but I also believe these things are adjustable. We are adult and we can make our own judgement and the kids are no longer a baby. While I feel thankful that in the past, sometimes with last minute notice we still could send the kids to the parent's house without me need to take EL. But also for the past 2 years, almost each time sending the kids over will give me such mental stress. And there is no improvement. I think I have enough stress especially stress from work to deal with and I certainly do not welcome more of it. So this year I decided to stop sending kids over and when if really can't avoid I would take EL which I did.

Last month, me and hubby needed to attend a seminar which we needed to leave the house very early to beat the trafficjam. For first time I left the boy sleeping with my mom and I'm glad that he did not give my mom any hard time at all. My mom said the boy is very easy. He would go to sleep as instructed. He also did not disturb others. So far I have left both kids stay overnight at my mom place twice. Maybe I will do the same on the week when my mom will help take care them then the child care is closed. As they will just go home sleep and go back there the next morning. My mom will take care the rest. I just need to pack enough clothes. So if they can stay overnight there I don't need to travel further to drop the kids in the morning on the way to work. Then I also can be more relax after work and have some private time for me and hubby. We can go catch a movie or so. The only one concern I have is, I notice the gal tends to be more naughty in my parents house. One thing is my parents does not handle them the same way we are. Of course we know them the best and we have our own way to make the kids listen to us. Another reason is they love playing with their cousin there. So they will just keep on playing and playing.

I just submitted my leave form this morning. Looking at the workload and task that I'm doing now it should be not an issue for me to take leave. Total the child care and kindy will close for 7 working days. My mom can help on 3 days and thus I'm taking 4 days off. Plan to take them out for a day and have not decided what to do with three other days. I think it is more worth it to spend some good time with the kids than dealing with the mental stress, and worrying making some people not happy.

November

This month is my birthday month, but that does not bring any good luck to me. On the other hand, I feel I was doomed from the start of the month.

I'm still waiting for my last year birthday's prezzie. Yes last year. I did not get my birthday present last year that I requested. So I requested for something else and I'm still waiting for it. As for this year birthday present, I will only get it next month. Because it only available early next month.

And within the same week, I feel like I have lost two friendships. One of them accused me for things that I did not say and did not do. Later he realized he made a mistake. He mistaken the person was me but in fact it is someone else. I feel hurt and disappointed, because he was not a stranger to me. We know each other for quite some time and I was surprised that he believed I would say such thing. This show how weak our friendship is. On top of that, after he had realised that he made a mistake on it, he did not even come apologize to me! I know he has his other own issues and problems but hey if you made a mistake, don't you suppose to say sorry? Everyone has their own issues and problems. But I think we should be responsible on our action. Have done something wrong, then say sorry and apologize. I'm teaching my 2.5 years old to say sorry too!

Another incident happened due to some friends from other country did not understand our culture and belief. I did not blame him for not understanding but please stop attacking us. We are the victims and yet we are the one being blamed here.

I also could not get full support and help when I need it. I have been constantly helping, guiding and doing lots of favor for people but now what am I getting in return? Should I go back to the old me, close up myself from people around me?

Just when I was feeling sad and down, there is this friend who never stop cheering me up. And what most, he offered his help. I should feel grateful at least there is still someone who treats me well. Sigh. Despite he is just someone who I met in the online game, we never met each other in real life, and we also don't interact with each other outside the game, and yet hubby got jealous about him. I have never met someone that will never reject a request if within his capability. And in return, I also return all favors that he asked. In another way, I don't want to owe him anything. You help me, I help you back. That's all. To me, there's no reason for hubby to be jealous. It's not that something will happen. This guy is more than 10 years younger than me! And I'm a very rational person. Feel like hubby does not trust me. Sigh.

One and a half month more, year 2010 will end and another new year is coming. Feel like I have accomplished nothing in this year. Looks like I need to plan a day off to do things that will make me feel better.

Forgiving & Letting Go

I feel very de-motivated recently. Things are not done in a way I would like it to be. There are people that I would like to meet but not around. There are people that I would not like to meet always appear in front of me. I wish I could have done something more but instead I stop doing it almost totally. I wish I could have spent less time on some activities but I fail to so. I wish I could have more time with the kids but when I have some time I spent it doing something else. Due to friendship I did something that made me not happy. I wanted to do something else but because of the relationship I feel that I need to give support. Oh What am I doing!!! :( I started day dreaming, building my own dream that can make me feel better. It's also a dream, that will never come true.

2 years ago, when I was having depression, I listened a lot to Forgiving and Letting Go from Inner Talk. I wanted to release my anger, guilt, and fear at that time. I like the music, very soothing and calming. I felt much better after listening to the music. At least I'm able to cool down myself. I don't have the CD with me in the office here. So I downloaded the free mp3 and listen in the office. Just want to make myself feel better before leaving office today. Forgiving is not easy, not to mention letting go. I hope tomorrow is a better day!